This is a note for all of you out there who have never been cheated on and do not truly know what it feels like. Also for anyone that was able to quickly recover from a partner's one time "slip", or also if you are the cheating spouse. If you have a friend that has been through this, you probably think she has lost her mind. You might not understand why its 6 months down the road and she won't just get over it and move on. But lets just say, said friend's spouse had died, how long should her grieving last then. Especially if he was a wonderful man of high moral values and character who acted like he loved her like no other and especially if they had been married a while say 7-10-15-20 or more years. I'm betting you think the mourning period might last a while maybe even years. Gosh and what if she also lost her best friend to a horrible disease at the same time, wow! now we're really talking some grief!!!
Well a person who has been betrayed by another's affair has a little tougher time. You see, my husband was a wonderful upstanding Christian man who prided himself on his integrity, commitment and character. I never had ANY REASON not to trust him, so when he told me less than 5 months ago that he had a three-year long affair with my best friend and fathered a child, I was more than shocked. The other girl was not only my best friend, but was 30 years younger than my husband and nearly 20 years younger than me. And not only was this baby had using unprotected sex, but for 15 years (since we started dating) he made sure that every time we had sex it was definitely protected either by a rubber or by birth control pills after we were married. Since he was older than me, he had already had children from his ex-wife and informed me he didn't want any more, so if I had a problem with that I might need to think long & hard if he was the right man for me.
It would have so much easier to get over and move on if he had just given me those fifteen glorious years as the love of my life, and then died. You see then I could at least thank God for the gratitude I had, having this wonderful man in my life for even just 15 short years.
And even if that fabulous friend I'd had for nearly as long, had died, I would have all those great memories she and I had together and still have all the wonderful gifts she bought for me, and even the special presents she helped my husband pick out for me. Those would be especially special.
So you see, now, I have to grieve the loss of the husband, I thought I had, the loss of the friend I thought I had, the loss of my marriage that was a lie for at least six years, (3 while the affair lasted and 3 while he was still lying to me about it, but had told most everyone else to the tune of about 60 people before he ever told me). Not only that, but I am now grieving the motherhood, I will never had, now because of my age, that was freely given to a young conniving, manipulating, lying, cheating, slut!
Do I sound angry! I am!!! At least my husband has the sense enough to pretend he understands that I need time to process this, heal and forgive, but no one else does. People did not understand why I couldn't work for 4 months. They didn't get that my brain would not function and could think of nothing except the affair. People didn't get why I didn't want to celebrate the holidays after 2-3 months of finding out. They didn't understand why I was scared to start back at my job (which is seasonal) after 4 months. They don't get why I"m still crying, why I'm still angry, why I haven't forgiven my husband and the little bitch, yet. They think I"m just taking joy in this misery, that I obviously want to hang onto it for fun. I have another friend who lost her husband a year and 3 months ago. All those same people are right by her side for her to cry on, and telling her she has to be patient with herself, while telling me, its time to get over it and move on.
Because friends kept telling me it was time for my grief to be over, I have done a lot of research on the subject, and have not found one person who was healed from an affair in less than a year - most at least 2 years.
I know its hard to fathom this in your own life, but tell me if you were with the love of your life and believed your were the love of his, a good man, who gave to everyone around him, who preached God and integrity regularly. Now you find out this "wonderful-one-of-a-kind" man had slept with your best friend for 3 years while she was at your house usually twice a day everyday, and then she had a child on purpose by this "wonderful" man, just tell me how long do you think it would take you to get over it?
And yes, I have decided to stay with him. He quit the affair on his own - He decided to tell me on his own - He is truly remorseful and I believe he truly loves me and does not want to lose me. So I have made the decision for now to stay in my marriage, but I still see a stranger many times when I look at him. I am still slapped in the face with memories and triggers which can be anything from a baby in a stroller, to a cheating song, to a phrase someone says to a tv show or commercial. Triggers make me sad, they make me cry, they make angry, they make me feel like a fool, they make me disappointed in my husband and my marriage, but most of all in myself for not seeing what I now know was plainly in front of my face. The feelings are too many to mention.
So ask yourself, if you had been through all this and feelings kept slapping you down after you got up, how quick would you forgive and move on?!!!?
Until you have walked in my shoes and I mean all my shoes and all the way down the same road, don't tell me what I need to do and don't tell me to get over it! Don't judge me for swimming in my own misery, because given the choice, would you choose misery???
Would love to hear from others who have found a light in this post toward someone close to them, or others who have been in my same spot and who are appalled and angered by the judgement of those around you.
Well a person who has been betrayed by another's affair has a little tougher time. You see, my husband was a wonderful upstanding Christian man who prided himself on his integrity, commitment and character. I never had ANY REASON not to trust him, so when he told me less than 5 months ago that he had a three-year long affair with my best friend and fathered a child, I was more than shocked. The other girl was not only my best friend, but was 30 years younger than my husband and nearly 20 years younger than me. And not only was this baby had using unprotected sex, but for 15 years (since we started dating) he made sure that every time we had sex it was definitely protected either by a rubber or by birth control pills after we were married. Since he was older than me, he had already had children from his ex-wife and informed me he didn't want any more, so if I had a problem with that I might need to think long & hard if he was the right man for me.
It would have so much easier to get over and move on if he had just given me those fifteen glorious years as the love of my life, and then died. You see then I could at least thank God for the gratitude I had, having this wonderful man in my life for even just 15 short years.
And even if that fabulous friend I'd had for nearly as long, had died, I would have all those great memories she and I had together and still have all the wonderful gifts she bought for me, and even the special presents she helped my husband pick out for me. Those would be especially special.
So you see, now, I have to grieve the loss of the husband, I thought I had, the loss of the friend I thought I had, the loss of my marriage that was a lie for at least six years, (3 while the affair lasted and 3 while he was still lying to me about it, but had told most everyone else to the tune of about 60 people before he ever told me). Not only that, but I am now grieving the motherhood, I will never had, now because of my age, that was freely given to a young conniving, manipulating, lying, cheating, slut!
Do I sound angry! I am!!! At least my husband has the sense enough to pretend he understands that I need time to process this, heal and forgive, but no one else does. People did not understand why I couldn't work for 4 months. They didn't get that my brain would not function and could think of nothing except the affair. People didn't get why I didn't want to celebrate the holidays after 2-3 months of finding out. They didn't understand why I was scared to start back at my job (which is seasonal) after 4 months. They don't get why I"m still crying, why I'm still angry, why I haven't forgiven my husband and the little bitch, yet. They think I"m just taking joy in this misery, that I obviously want to hang onto it for fun. I have another friend who lost her husband a year and 3 months ago. All those same people are right by her side for her to cry on, and telling her she has to be patient with herself, while telling me, its time to get over it and move on.
Because friends kept telling me it was time for my grief to be over, I have done a lot of research on the subject, and have not found one person who was healed from an affair in less than a year - most at least 2 years.
I know its hard to fathom this in your own life, but tell me if you were with the love of your life and believed your were the love of his, a good man, who gave to everyone around him, who preached God and integrity regularly. Now you find out this "wonderful-one-of-a-kind" man had slept with your best friend for 3 years while she was at your house usually twice a day everyday, and then she had a child on purpose by this "wonderful" man, just tell me how long do you think it would take you to get over it?
And yes, I have decided to stay with him. He quit the affair on his own - He decided to tell me on his own - He is truly remorseful and I believe he truly loves me and does not want to lose me. So I have made the decision for now to stay in my marriage, but I still see a stranger many times when I look at him. I am still slapped in the face with memories and triggers which can be anything from a baby in a stroller, to a cheating song, to a phrase someone says to a tv show or commercial. Triggers make me sad, they make me cry, they make angry, they make me feel like a fool, they make me disappointed in my husband and my marriage, but most of all in myself for not seeing what I now know was plainly in front of my face. The feelings are too many to mention.
So ask yourself, if you had been through all this and feelings kept slapping you down after you got up, how quick would you forgive and move on?!!!?
Until you have walked in my shoes and I mean all my shoes and all the way down the same road, don't tell me what I need to do and don't tell me to get over it! Don't judge me for swimming in my own misery, because given the choice, would you choose misery???
Would love to hear from others who have found a light in this post toward someone close to them, or others who have been in my same spot and who are appalled and angered by the judgement of those around you.
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